The Loon is my favorite bird

When missionaries first came to Michigan, they were able to get spiritual breakthrough among the Ojibwa by comparing Js to the loon (Maang) in the Ojibwa myth about the creation of man. Basically Gd (Gzhemnidoo) saw that there was nothing in man that was appealing or attractive to him, and he cast man into the depths of lake superior (Gzhegaami). The loon however, deepest of divers, swam down to the bottom and breathed life into the man. Again and again the loon dove, and eventually the man rose back to the surface, lungs inflated with air. Because of the loons sacrifice, Gd restored man to life. Loons are incredibly faithful birds, mate for life, and take excellent care of their chicks.

Last night i was walking through the forest, and fighting against my heart. If you have never heard a loon cry, there is no way to explain it- the haunting call full of sadness, but always seeming to end with a note of hope. The bird was voicing my heart's prayer. Js is reminding me in this time, that like the man in the Ojibwa myth, i am completely hopeless on my own power. So much of what i try to do- my ministry at LCC, my fight to try to stay pure, my fight to believe that Js himself is sufficient for me- is done out of my own strength and power. But I am realizing that as I try to minster and live and breathe out of my own strength, that i can do nothing but sink downward downward into the icy depths of the great lake. So much of what i do is to impress other people, and my battle towards holiness is fueled more often by a desire to not disappoint others, out of a fear of what people would think of me if they knew of my sin, than out of a desire to not grieve the Js who loves me and saved me and gave evertyhing for me. I care more about what people think of my sin, than what Js thinks of my sin, and i am tired of that.

A very trusted brother spoke the truth to me last night-- he said that to have been dissapointed in yourself means that you trusted in self. Self can do nothing (Jn 15- read it from Js' lips) I apologize that i have trusted in self. To those of you at LCC i ask forgiveness that i have been ministering their out of my own flesh, my own wisdom, my own understanding, rather than that of Gd.

Js is breaking me apart right now, and grinding me up.... he is wrestling me, and he is slowly pinning me to the floor, getting me into a hold that i cannot get out of, no matter how hard i struggle (not unlike what my roomate Janis does to me when we wrestled in the evenings :) ). But being pinned to the ground by Him is so much better than not touching him at all... i havent felt this close to christ in a long time- to feel him pressing against me, pushing me, revealing all of my weaknesses and how vulnerable i am and how my own flesh will never avail me in this fight-- i will take this minute-by-minute fight over calloused and cynical distant Xnity anyday. I am thankful that Js is throwing at me more than i feel like i can handle, because it builds and fuels my relationship with Him, and after all, the biggest Xn cliche of all, yet it is so true....

Js doesnt want my rightwousness, he wants me. Js-following is not a religion but a relationship. He is commited to my growth, not my comfort.

And with most of who i am, i can say I thank Him for it.

I thank you that as i sank into the dark depths, Js you dove into the water and breathed life into my lifeless lungs. I thank you that because of your act of sacrifice, i can be presented before god again, and stand unafraid, even in the middle of so much doubt and turmoil...